The 30th verse of the first chapter in the Yoga Sutras describes the obstacles that can hinder you in yoga and your path in life toward the unity and wholeness that is yoga’s goal. The first obstacle the Sutras list is illness, and the second one is fatigue. And I acquired an illness in which fatigue was a primary symptom. But these obstacles, with the help of yoga, have become - if not surmountable- much less troublesome.

The Sanskrit word for illness literally means to stand apart or to be scattered. In 2000, my very full life became scattered by the onset of chronic illness. This made me stand apart in some good ways as I was force to reassess my values and observe my life choices.  But I also distanced myself in some bad ways as I became isolated and socially withdrew.  

But yoga kept me together. Most essentially, yoga kept me from separating my body from my mind, as much as my mind might have wanted to be any place but in this body. And I learned how to experience pain without suffering – a thought that had not even occurred to me before. When that possibility was first suggested to me by Judith Lasater, the Iyengar Restorative Yoga trainer, I asked - how can that be? I thought she was crazy or considered she had never experienced pain. As I completed her teacher training in restorative yoga, I learned I was wrong.  One can experience pain and not suffer.

My own obstacle emerged in the beginning of 2000, as I started to feel ill in vague ways. By that fall, I had no choice but to stop my work as a lawyer for PBS and graduate studies at Johns Hopkin University.  I felt so weak that I could hardly get out of bed.  And my body ached all over. The pain, soreness and weakness felt like a case of the worst flu.  I had trouble sleeping, stomach problems and nausea, dizziness, numbness, pounding headaches.  I even had memory impairments and other cognitive problems which disturbed me most of all. And I caught a lot of infections. Despite many doctor visits and a pilgrimage to the Mayo Clinic, health and vitality remained elusive.  

My yoga instructor at the time, Juliana, adjusted her lessons according to my capabilities each moment.  For the first time, I experienced restorative poses and a completely new aspect of yoga’s power.

As I became more sensitive to my body, I had the strange realization that “restorative” poses could be very difficult and challenging when in pain.  Sometimes my body was better off moving because pain in a warm body feels as though it could go away; it feels more dynamic.  In a cold body, in my experience, pain is gripping and breathtaking. So sometimes during my yoga practice, restorative postures were alternated with more active postures.

Yoga enhances one's awareness, and I experienced that.  I learned the importance of paying attention and being responsive to your physical body, whether you’re dealing with an illness or not.

During that period when my body increasingly failed me and the doctors failed to tell me why, my yoga practice sustained me. On many days, only yoga provided relief from my mutable symptoms.  Only on my yoga mat did I feel some semblance of management over the chaos of my body.

Finally after 18 months and many tests, many opinions and more than a few incorrect diagnoses, a research doctor identified my affliction as fibromyalgia - an ailment that causes chronic, widespread musculoskeletal pain, weakness and fatigue. Hard to spell and hard to pronounce, fibromyalgia is neither a glamorous illness nor well understood. (One sister, much to my amusement, called my malady, "fibromalaise."). The word literally means pain in the muscles, ligaments and tendons – the fibrous tissues in the body. The syndrome is described variously as a biochemical disorder, a neuro-muscular disorder or simply a central nervous system disorder. And the systemic nature of the disease causes the strange variety and changing intensity of symptoms in the body.

The degree and manifestation of fibromyalgia varies from person to person, and often a patient can experience different pain levels at different times - from an all over achy-ness to throbbing pain in general areas to piercing pain in specific spots. And making planning and living a life even more challenging - the symptoms come and go unpredictably. I had all of that variety and never knew how the pain would feel or where it would be. 

The cause is unknown, and there is no known cure. Researchers have found an elevation of a chemical substances in the spinal cord fluid that then carries heightened pain messages to the brain. Functional MRIs also show abnormalities that may suggest a remedy. However, it's unclear if these abnormalities are a cause or a result.

What is clear is that fibromyalgia gives emphasis to the connection between the workings of the mind and the functions of the body. The research continues. Meanwhile, yoga reliably helps me deal with the myriad symptoms which wax and wane and to maintain an effective connection between my mind and my body.

Before I fell ill, I did not know that yoga was anything other than a physical endeavor.  Yoga served a part of my cross training.  I found the exercise fun because I was flexible from my dance training and challenging because the poses helped me build strength. 

But my illness opened up a whole new world of yoga to me, and I had to know more.    

In my research and training, I read the Yoga Sutras and learned that yoga does not belittle the challenges that often knock us off or down.  Yoga recognizes them and suggests a remedy. The Sanskrit term for obstacles is more precisely translated as interval. That is, illness and fatigue create an interval or a gap and can thereby distract from the goal of union. That it can!

But - and here is where yoga provides hope - the gap can be bridged. The Sutras continue, "Such distractions make the body restless, the breathing coarse, the mind agitated. They result in suffering. But they can be eliminated if the mind is repeatedly brought to a single focus." (Chapter 1:31-32). Yoga requires an even more diligent focus when obstacles are encountered. That intensified attention can itself alleviate the suffering. 

Yoga also inspires a helpful acceptance of surrender. There is no guarantee to good health - for anyone - whether you're dealing with a chronic illness or not.  You can do all the right things and safeguard yourself - but sometimes the bad times just hit and wreck havoc. This attitude of surrender to "what is" does not imply surrender in the sense of giving up or giving in - but rather in the sense of yielding and letting be.  As one teacher put it - you don't let go, you let be. 

Yoga encourages you still to try and do your best and to follow the principles of the niyamas. Doing so can minimize damage from the random onsets – spiritually if not physically.

So illness is not huge boulder, too weighty to move, that stops us dead in our track. Nor is illness a locked gate on our route that we ignore by going around another way. Reality can't be ignored or polished over with positive thinking.  These obstacles are potholes in our path. And some paths just require better maintenance, care and attention. 

And so I continue on my way with heightened care and concentration - watching out for the potholes and gaps to bridge, doing my best and always getting up and going on.  I've learned to accept what is, stay focused and alert, and most of all not to be such a perfectionist.  Every pose is different; every day is different. Every endeavor - whether a pose or a day (and sometimes getting through a day is an endeavor) is open to possibilities.  And an ancient proverb I keep in a prominent place reminds me - "A misty morning doe not signify a cloudy day!"

After ten years, I know that to be true - both in my head and in my body.  And that is largely due to yoga.

nilambu : a personal yoga studio
PO Box 40811, Washington DC 20016-0811 // email us // p: 202-333-8854